‘Socs, I need to see you urgently,’ read a text from madam Donatta on Wednesday. I tried to figure out what the matter could be to no avail. I owed ‘Donatta and sons Boutique’, her side hustle, nothing. She buys ‘camera outfits’ from Nairobi’s Gikomba market, which after being ironed are sold at her boutique at the shopping center.
Donatta has an excellent taste and Vasco Da Gama, the talkative history teacher, is one of her major customers. Indeed, one of Okonkwo, our school head’s smartest suits which earned him praise from the county Director’s inspection team was from her collection. Perhaps, she wanted me to play the role of a debt collector again. I suspected.
I mean, last year, it took my intervention to have the cunning Mr Aeneas and Mr Thunder pay for some clothes they had picked on credit. Like some other Kenyans, Thunder finds it extremely inconvenient to pay for goods obtained on credit. “She must part with a commission this time,” I told myself as I entered the staffroom.
“Socs! Look at this,” she exclaimed, as she thrust a paper into my hand. It was a love letter, full of honey-coated lyrics. I here-by share a part of it: Xasa Donna, Pliz mode nipe chance nikushow vile na feel. Nimekunoki yangu yote ndio nimeona nikuchoree hii mistari. Imgnukihata chuo ata siku moja mi uwa msick.
Heart yangu inabeat na riddim ya heart yako. Hii chuo yote hakuna demu msupu kukushinda. Kwanza ukidunga ile dress yako ya red!! mi uwa siwezi concentrate kwa daro! God akikumake alikuwa na idhaa mob ata Beyonce kwako ni shadow. Wacha ni confess last week vile ulikuwa duty nili late chuo ndio nibaki detention na wewe. Pliz!! Nipe tu chance na sitakudissapoint. Pliz nipatie digit zako ili niwe nikikuvutia wire. Pliz nishow kabla sijajimada. Bleating heart,Tony (your suffering Romeo)
Tony of 3G had written a letter to madam Donatta claiming that he was madly in love with her. He claimed that his heart beats in rhythm with hers and even falls sick whenever she misses school. He further wrote that she was the hottest lady at Meta Meta secondary school and especially pointed out her red dress which graphically brings out her curves and drives him crazy. Her figure is better than that of Beyonce.
He even confessed that he reported to school late the entire week she was on duty so that he could be detained after classes and feast his eyes on her!
God must have had time and materials to spare when he created her. He also pleaded for her phone number so that he could be calling her! He concluded by threatening to commit suicide if she failed to respond.
Prayers and counselling
I burst into laughter as soon as I finished reading the letter. “You find this amusing?” a disturbed Donatta asked me. She then showed me Tony’s Geography exercise book which had a portrait of her under the caption, ‘Nakula kwa macho tu’. “I should take the boy to Okonkwo,” she said as she rose. But I managed to restrain her.
“The poor boy is just seeking your attention,” I told her. After composing herself, she revealed how Tony had been paying her a lot of attention; helping carry her books, cleaning the board and following her to the staffroom for assistance with Geography questions.
“So that is why he reported to school late the week I was on duty?” mused Donatta. Day scholars who report late are detained by the teacher on duty in the school hall after four. Tony has been referred to Magarita, the Christian Union patron, for prayers and counseling.